Informed Speculation

NOTE: Many of you are understandably shaken by the decision of the New York Times to put its incredibly cogent commentary under a subscription umbrella. As a public service, I am making available the Times-O-Matic®, my patented New York Times columnist simulation.

The Times-O-Matic®

Instructions: To generate a new column, simply randomly choose from the available options within each set of parentheses. It’s really as simple as that…let’s face it, you and I will never make Frank Rich kind of money, but that doesn’t mean we can’t pretend to!
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The Disintegration of (the Bushco Agenda, the American Dream, the Supply-Side Fallacy, My Pants)
By (Paul Krugman, Maureen Dowd, Frank Rich, Bob Herbert)
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When (George W. Bush, the President, Dubya, Junior) (stood in front of the Mission Accomplished banner, sat in a chair for seven minutes while our nation was under siege on 9/11, lied to the American people about Saddam’s WMD program, pantsed Karl Rove), it was more than (the craven act of a moral degenerate, the nadir of presidential leadership, a complete capitulation to his corporate cronies, the usual blundering from Chimpy). It was, as is blindingly obvious to any ultra-wealthy Manhattan liberal by now, (an act equivalent to a thousand Hiroshimas, the death knell for the imperialist West, the natural result of the long neglect of our nation’s underclass by the Republican Party, the sort of thing I would expect from a flunky of the Religious Right).

The moral bankruptcy of the policies foisted upon the President by the (neocons, Jews) has been exposed for all the world to see by (the courage of Cindy Sheehan, the unmasking of Jeff Gannon, the racist response to Katrina, the stirring beheadings by the Iraqi freedom fighters). Only wise leadership and moral clarity of the type provided by (former president Jimmy Carter, Habitat for Humanity’s Jimmy Carter, failed one-termer Jimmy Carter) can now save America from (the derision of the French, the continued screeching of Howard Dean, a severe tongue-lashing from George Galloway).

Ask yourself this: would our forefathers have countenanced (this coup d’etat by the theocratic minions of Karl ‘Satan’ Rove, a schoolchild saying a prayer in a public school when he could be throwing excrement at a PETA protest, our continued denial of the need to understand the psychological motivations of people who fly airplanes into buildings)?

That’s not the America I want to see through the windows of my limousine.
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